I know that I am fairly early in my treatment journey, but don't underestimate the degree of upheaval, on so many levels, that starts with a diagnosis. Part of the time I am literally putting one foot in front of another, at other times I can't quite believe that this is my current "new normal". I'm 9 days in on oral hormonal therapy with injections due to start in a few weeks. A few days ago I welcomed the first of a series of hot flushes, mainly around my shoulders, neck and head. I counted eight on the first day, varying degrees of which, at worst, I was dripping!!!! Welcome to the menopause. I have new understanding and empathy with my peri-menopausal sisters.
I am acutely aware that I am effectively undergoing a chemical castration. The diagnosis itself has left me emotionally fragile and not my usual strong and confident self. I thing the treatment is adding another dimension to that as I contemplate how it fundamentally alters my very nature as a gay man, my self image, my very identity and biology. Familiar drives and desires I am expecting to continue to diminish. I am sad and grieving my "before" self and the loss of the familiar. Facing a different unknown, I do not know who the "after" me will be. There is a constant feeling of aloneness that separates me from the everyday world. I feel like I'm on a raft that's being pulled out to sea and the safety of the shore is receeding. Unchartered waters I guess?
Yes
Surgery, for me has to be a last option. I will admit to being terrified of potential side effects: urinary incontinence, problems with bowel control, loss of drive and self esteem, loss of sexual function, shrinking genitals, diabetes, cardio vascular problems. As a single person I fear I lose the potential for new relationships. Who's going to want a non sexual, dysfunctional, incontinent old man? No treatment was not an option. Hormone Therapy to be followed by radio therapy in my case and in my view presents presents the best balance of potential successful treatment and manageable/reversible/permanent side effects.
By sharing your story you can help others. Share what went well, what didn't and everything in between. Your experience is valuable. Help make the prostate cancer community stronger.
